Concerns mounted yesterday as a second Flying Cameronpig in a month was spotted intruding brazenly into Cornish air space. The previous instance had occurred in North Cornwall where it claimed to be visiting a candle company, presumably soon to benefit from the power cuts when the Tories stop all those terrible wind turbines being built. At that time it showered bizarrely inaccurate propaganda statistics on all and sundry. These were eagerly gobbled up by the local media and had to be surgically removed from some brains for weeks afterwards.
This week the Cameronpig was seen hovering over Redruth pulling a kite proclaiming that an £11 million ‘growth deal’ brokered with the Local Enterprise Partnership (LEP) was ‘giving local communities the power and the money‘. Local bystander Tamsin Trethingy said ‘Gizzon, ‘avin a laugh, inee?’ And it turned out that the money was only coming because the vision-free LEP has promised it’s only to be used to ‘unlock growth and development’. In Toryspeak this means more low paid jobs, more houses, more people for Cornwall and more profits for developers. Ominously, the LEP’s ‘deal’ involves building another 7,000 houses.
But the Cameronpig claimed all this cash for more people, expensive road junctions and stuff was ‘genuine devolution’, not the sort of centralisation you got under Labour’s hot air ball(s)oon, which has also been noted puttering up and down Cornwall’s coasts recently. Local spokesperson, Denzil Baragwaneth, said ‘While this latest flying Cameronpig did no damage by actually intruding into Cornish common sense, it was found to be causing disruption to reality’. His aide translated: ‘Seemee, me ‘ansum, this pig wuz more a bleddy porker’.
For we can reveal this Cameronporker was actually a state of the art, finely honed tactical weapon employed to distract attention from the announcement this week that the Tory/Lib Dem Government had done a U-turn and taken over control of the far bigger £450 million of European funding for Cornwall. Agencies in Cornwall will have even less control over all that dosh than some English cities will over their grant money.
Cornwall Council thinks it and its fossil-fuelled growth friends at the LEP should control that money, although attempts to find anyone outside the County Hall bunker who agrees with that proved fruitless.
Looks like a strong case for a democratically accountable Cornish Assembly, surely? But we can’t have that, can we. Seems that real ‘genuine devolution’ is far too frightening and couldn’t possibly be allowed.